I cannot believe I never believed in myself enough to put my whole heart into blogging and working on writing in a compelling matter for readers. I have been a writer my entire life but I did not know how to reach a large audience or how to get people to want to check out my blog until now. If I believed in myself more, if I had one friend in high school or college who I truly vibe with and who cared enough to ask me what my dreams are and then give me a positive reaction, I could have started so much earlier.
But I am not unique. After reading The Boys Crisis and talking to other men, I realize how rare it is to have had a father who told you things like, "you can do anything you set your mind to," or "I'm proud of you," or for them to even play catch with you as a child. When I asked the men at my Bible Study if their father had done any of the three things I just mentioned... no one raised their hand.
I suppose many men realize their fathers were not involved in their lives as children's because they did not have family values, and the only people who still truly have family values, or any real values to speak of, are Christians. I wish my father had been a Christian instead of an atheist. My desire for his approval negatively affected my relationship with God. And he even gave me grief for going back to church in NJ, albeit he changed his tune once we got to Alabama.
I could probably get him to come to church. I can tell a part of him wants me to talk him into coming somehow. But anytime I ask him he just says, "Are you kidding? I'd burst into flames the moment I walked in the door." So he has found the humility to acknowledge his sinful nature just as I have, but, like me, he will struggle surrendering to Christ. He and I are used to live alone and depending only on ourselves. That's how he raised me to be. Which is one of my barriers to surrendering to Christ. Which is what I should likely focus on first and foremost.
Well, anyway, this is the ugly mess of writing that happens when I journal instead of writing a blog post. A blog post has a clear topic. It has an outline. It has a hook. It is designed to deliver a specific value to the reader.
This style of writing that I'm used to? Stream-of-consciousness journalling? That's fine for me to sort things out in my own head but it not high quality writing for other people to read. It jumps from subject to subject, just like my mind does, trying to figure out how various things fit together. But when writing for an audience, you're supposed to put the effort into creating a structure for your thoughts before you let them unfold.
I am missing out on the most important stage of writing: the planning stage. While I never have writer's block, and that's great, the downside of that ADHD creativity is a natural predisposition against structure. But my thoughts need at least a little structure.
Perhaps if my writing becomes more structured, since writing is simply a sophisticated way of thinking, my thinking will also become more structured. Well, yes, I imagine if I improve my written communication skills to be as compelling and lucid as possible to readers, then when I speak about the subjects I am passionate about, then I will speak in a far more compelling and lucid fashion.
In the future, I should be able to talk about any of my blog posts, when I know the person will find the subject interesting, in a compelling manner. If I cannot, that means I cannot sell people on my own writing. Which means my communication skills are still lacking and have not become an excellent communicator. I really want to get a jobs sales, since you get the equivalent of a graduate degree in communication after 6 months. Nothing beats hands on learning and complete immersion. If you want to learn a language, you don't major in it at college. You just move to another country and you'll be forced to become fluent quite quickly just to survive and nearly all of your social interactions are practice.
Sales is similar. If I want to get great at communication, I'll need to do sales at some point. Until then, I'll focus on improving my written communication skills and work as an independent journalist and podcaster and volunteer to get some of the rust off of my social skills. One of the biggest problems in coming here is that I was alone for so long in North Jersey, not making new friends, just looking for a job for two months.
It was kinda like 2 months of solitary confinement. So I was afraid of coming off as desperate for social interactions, which I was, and then it's like, "don't be socially akward," works as well as, "don't think of a pink elephant." What did you just do? Imagined a pink elephant. If I had gone into every social interaction with the swagger I used to have, my social interactions would have gone more smoothly.
Anyway, I just figured out a bunch of stuff, but I suppose it's not procrastinating, because it is a blog post and yes, I should be spending more time on my passive challenges, but fuck, I need to start taking iodine again instead of caffeine. I'm just afraid it might mess with my sleep quality because it is so stimulating so I need to take a much, much smaller dose than Lugol's Iodine solution.
Or maybe not. I don't know. Maybe stick with just caffeine and l-theanine for now. We'll see. My anti-anxiety supplements are on their way and once I have those, I'll be much more calm and much more focused and much, much, much happier knowing I do not have to worry about any cases of crippling anxiety again from not having them.
So that's everything I had to get off my chest. This is what my journalling usually looks like, albeit slightly better written. Hopefully this will be useful to someone someday. It is definitely useful to me in sorting out many of my thoughts and deciding not to write without an outline ever again outside of personal journalling.
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