Charlie Kirk may have been the last true Christian. That is, if we are going to use Dr. Jordan Peterson's criteria for believing in God, which is that you would have to act as if you know God exists. Dr. Peterson famously concluded that, since he does not act as if God exists and is evaluating his every action, he must not believe in God since our actions, not our words, demonstrate what we believe. Charlie Kirk acted as if he knew God existed because he was willing to risk his life for Christiandom and for the souls of the people he was talking with. However, most Christians right now are struggling with their faith because the world is so unstable at the moment. Meanwhile, my faith has never been stronger. I am not Charlie Kirk and I am not a true Christian as he was, but I am willing to go talk to college students about God, about purpose, and about fulfillment in this life. I want to have pleasant conversations, but I wan to talk about God. If that gets me killed, so be it.
I think that makes me more of a Christian then someone who went to church every day for twenty years but thinks that it's not a Christian man's job to fight evil. I do not blame Christians; they lack good leadership. However, we need a stronger version of Christianity; one that is not afraid to call out fakes like Joel Olsteen that corrupt Christianity to scam people into paying him out of their fixed income so he can buy another mansion. However, we do not need a more dogmatic Christianity; I think I should focus on promoting non-denominational churches, as they are the best fit for people that have never been to church before and whose family is not already associated with a denomination. Of course, which denominational or non-denominational church you go to is up to you, but if you entire family is Methodist, then I would say that it'd be a good idea to go to church with them even if you don't agree with all of their theological viewpoints.
I think I can promote Christianity in a way no one else has before because I do not think like anyone else; my greatest strength and greatest weakness.
I spent this morning figuring out how to sort out my emotions regarding a fight that happened the day after Thanksgiving (yesterday). Not an uncommon thing for the holidays, but it was quite aggravating.
My father, who raised me by never playing with me, never playing catch with me, never showing any interests in any sport I played and I played all the major popular sports except for football. Meh, maybe if I hadn't broken my knee and I had become a high school football player, my father and I might have repaired our relationship after ruining my grade school experience by (1) making me terrified of other people, so I did not know to tease the others boys back so I made no friends till 7th grade and (2) he was adamant that I not change schools "just because" I didn't have any friends at school since, as my Dad put it, "I didn't have many friends at school. I turned out fine." No, you did not. You are hurting.
One day I'll write a list of 100 times my father prevented me from succeeding in life. Maybe. Maybe not. I'm angry with him because "he does not get to trip me at the beginning of the race, spit on me, call me a loser, and then later complain that I'm in last place." Perfect analogy. My father prevented me from being able to form friendships in grade school because he never showed playful aggression towards me, no rough and tumble play, no wrestling, nothing. He just screamed at me how much of a loser I was starting around age 10 and when I was depressed in high school because, once again, my lack of confidence from living with my Dad made me meek, timid, and afraid to the point I developed severe social anxiety disorder and could not look people in the eyes unless they were "fellow social rejects" or teachers. I was not properly socialized. That is a hard thing to come back from.
I made up for it later by reading a ton of books and then making friends in 7th grade after I hit my rebellious phase. But then I was friendless in high school until junior year when I fought back against one of my bullies.
I sent this text to my Mom earlier today:
Thank you for hearing me out. I know you don't like to hear me complain about Kurt/Dad, but I had to figure out what to FEEL about his outburst. Deciding that I will prove him wrong and that I will be the bigger man provides me the motivation I need. I needed to frame it in a way that helps me.
I'm not Jesus. I can't just be like, "he's forgiven," and be completely unaffected emotionally. I'm just taking lemons and turning them into lemonade. So that the whole thing with Dad is fuel rather than a stressor.
My life has been rough. I hope I can turn things around, but if not, I at least want to get my ideas and my story out there before I die. I want to share as much wisdom as possible with the world before I perish. ❤️🙏✝️
1. Get at least one, if not several in-demand IT Certifications:A quick search online says, "The recommended order is A+ first, then Network+ then Security+. A+ is by far the certification most employers are looking for."
2. Get a managerial position within IT: Ask your professors, people in the IT industry, and future employers what you need to do to get on the fast track for management. I can also start a blog about managing employees, as it is a subject I love reading and writing about. Just as I love inspiring students with a love of learning, I woud love to learn how to inspire employees with a love of the company by "starting with why" as Simon Sinek famously stated in his viral 2009 TedTalk.
3. Become a Highly Effective and Well-Networked Entrepreneur: I have so many great entrepreneurial ideas that are low-cost and only require finding the right people with the right skills. Christ, once I get a little bit of money, I can turn it into a lot more money. I need to keep adding entrepreneurial ideas to my list and create business plans for the ones that seem most promising, then get feedback from the university's small business development center.
4. Start dating again but this time blog and produce podcasts about your dating experiences (changing names and details as necessary for privacy), help call-in listeners do things like write a list of what they want and need in a long-term partner, explain to listeners how one can find their ideal partner by going to the places your type are likely to be, and how to establish the ideal relationship. For example, let us say you are a heterosexual woman who is very interested in psychology, who loves discussing psychology, and who wants a guy who can communicate his feelings effectively and is a good listener. Where could you possibly find guys like that? I believe she should attend psychology conventions even if she works in an entirely different field. It's not as if you need to tell everyone the real reason you are there; you can just say, honestly, that you find psychology fascinating, have a bunch of really fun discussions, learn a bunch of cool stuff, make a ton of new friends, enter a new social circle, and meet a ton of guys who meet your basic standards. Then you can see if any chemistry develops with any of those male therapists. See? My advice is really solid advice and I should be telling the world this via my podcasts. I wonder if this laptop is good enough to record a Zoom call? Regardless...
5. Ideally, I would like to date a girl with enough confidence to discuss relationships, including our relationship, on the podcast while noting that certain topics are off-limits on-air. This would be ideal for what I am trying to accomplish with education. However, we should be openly able to discuss most of our disagreements and how we went about addressing them, ideally in a mature fashion that we would want our children and our children's spouses to emulate when dealing with their significant other. If I would not want a man to scream at my daughter over a disagreement about finances, why would I scream at my wife? I can be assertive, keep our finances separate, and we will discuss our spending habits and budgeting before we ever get serious enough that her finances concern me as well... which should not happen until we are married.
Short Ones
6. I want to make at least 200 new friends and add them on various social media platforms.
7. I want to build an online social media following of at least 50,000 followers online on at least one platform.
8. I want to have saved at least $40,000.
9. I want to average at least $2,000/week after taxes within 365 days from now.
10. I want to be studying or working 120 hours a week, eating perfectly, sleeping perfectly, and performing at my absolute best physically, mentally, biologically, and cognitively.
11. I want to save up for neurofeedback therapy to treat my ADHD if further research concludes it is a worthwhile investment. Perhaps I can use a Kickstarter to raise money for neurofeedback therapy so I can tell people whether it was actually life-changing or not.
12. I want to be in about 10 different group texts that I seldom have time to keep up with.
13. I want to be highly popular and charming as a result of continuously improving my social skills. Hopefully I can get a sales jobs in addition to an IT job so that I can improve my social skills to a much higher degree than otherwise possible.
I'm going to create reaction videos to videos like this to teach people how to think critically about life advice, how it should be applied, and ways people could misinterpret and misapply the advice in harmful ways. I also want to react to these sort of life advice videos so that I create high-quality content with minimal effort that nearly anyone would find engaging since (1) the video I'm reacting to is already proven to be compelling (2) my only job is to occasionally pause the video to provide interesting and compelling insights and (3) later stream on Twitch while I'm doing it so I can interact with the chat and grow my following through engagement. Then I can ask friends and family to watch one of those videos when they get a chance and give me feedback on my teaching and speaking skills.
It's like training wheels for producing a high-quality video with a strong hook, a beginning, a middle, and an end, as well as great writing that keeps the audience captivated the entire time. I'll really have to try it on this laptop later when I get the time. If it doesn't work, then maybe I'll see if I can order something for Cyber Monday that is the same price as this laptop I just bought that might have better specs and just return this one. Fuck... I really should just buy one off Ebay later... I can return this one up until January 31st. There are $200 computers on Ebay that are worth well over $1,000 brand new that are apparently in perfecting working condition. But by January 31st, I should have enough nerd friends that someone should just let me buy one of their old computers. Yeah. I should start asking my nerd friends to keep an eye out for a good deal on a used laptop, preferably IRL but online works too if it's guaranteed to be like brand new besides perhaps a few scuffs here and there.
But why does anyone need to study how to be more Machiavellian? Why does anyone need to be more calculating in their social interactions?
Well, if you are like me and have ADHD and have issues with toxic compassion and getting used because you are too nice for your own good, then learning from Machiavelli is good "shadow work" as described by Dr. Carl Jung. Shadow work is necessary for integrating your capacity for aggression into your psyche in a healthy way such that you use it to be assertive and really mean "NO" when you say "NO," which requires a bit of controlled aggression since you are drawing a line in the sand, perhaps a relationship boundary you want respected. If there is no aggression behind the "NO" it will not work and you will get pushed over. So yes, I want to study Machiavelli to become less of a pushover, just as I want every young woman to do in order to prepare them to defend themselves from manipulative psychopaths, and learn to stop trusting other people so easily and start becoming a bit more skeptical of people to balance out how I am embracing Christ, since a lot of Christians see Jesus as a complete pacifist who never got angry or violent when he whipped the money changers. Jesus was not only assertive but he also used fear of violence to stop others from desecrating holy ground. What does that mean? Well, at the very least, it means that God still believes that violence is sometimes necessary to upload moral order. Jesus did not kill the moneychangers; he just whipped them as they were trespassing "in his father's house." That's important to keep in mind. Old school God would have smited them all. Jesus was merciful really. Wow, I just realized that. What an epiphany!
Being a good Christian requires that you not be a stereotypical "nice guy" because the stereotypical "nice guy" will tolerate things that should not be tolerated by any sane, well-informed adult. That's it! That's the malaise to modern Christianity! It's the "nice guy" syndrome where, thanks to how the government neutered our pastors and churches by making it impossible for them to get heavily involved in politics like they used to do prior to the IRS fucking it up, and we just accepted it, and the country became less Christian and thus less stable. Weak Christians. Weak, weak, "I'm a nice guy" Christians are pathetic. Like Peterson said, most men aren't "good men," they're weak. They do not violate the law because they have principles; they avoid violating the law as they are terrified of the ramifications of being arrested and becoming a felon, a non-person, a leper, a reject for the rest of their life. Fuck, I wish someone would have put me through the scared straight program. We need more of those. Hands on introductions to the type of men you could become depending on your life chances... for better or worse. Students should meet an award-winning physician one day and a drug addict with an IQ above 140 the next day: for example, an addict who always wanted to become a musician, and had talent, but his entire life was ruined by drugs. He could talk about the fact he knew his father had a problem with drugs, so he now wishes he had never touched anything but it's too late and his life is fucked. Children need to hear those stories from that type of person face-to-face and be able to ask them questions so they can avoid falling into the same holes in life.
OUTLINES! OUTLINES! OUTLINES! OUTLINE OR DON'T POST IT! THAT'S THE NEW RULE!
I think every good Christian should read Machiavelli, even if they're not a pushover, simply so that they can understand how to deal with Machiavellian-types like our politicians. However, they should really do shadow work as well but let's just start with understanding the enemy. If you want to understand how to deal with evil people in a manner where they cannot hurt you or get leverage over you or scam you, read Machiavelli. Most politicians are Machiavellian; telling people what they want to hear, lip service, while actually not having any core principles besides, "acquire as much wealthy and power as possible, since those are the only things that matter in Washington and in my personal life since I cannot save the country... but I can save my family if I become part of the club!" Though, I tend to believe most politicians are corrupt before they ever run for office. Corporations pick out articulate lawyers with nice resumes and ask them, "would you like to be POTUS? We can groom you for POTUS and gaurantee you at least a seat in the U.S Senate if you look out for Goldman Sachs."
Goldman Sachs doesn't spend millions of dollars on your first Senate campaign unless deals were made (Obama), especially when Goldman Sachs was also your #1 private Presidential campaign contributor only a few years later and you made sure none of the Goldman Sachs executives went to prison for knowingly engaging in billions of dollars in mortgage-backed security fraud and bragging about it in their internal emails that were leaked to the public. People are so easily manipulated and fooled when they have neither the time nor the resources to do their own research. "Obama was a socialist." No, he wasn't. He was a crony capitalist with Marxist social views and a neoconservative foreign policy. He does not fit neatly into a box since he has no real political philosophy. Why am I writing about this? This is why I need outlines. No more articles without outlines. No more journaling on here!
make stupid mistakes that drive people away like messaging them at 6:30AM on Discord, forgetting the fact some people keep their media notifications on at night even though they can wake them up because... they don't know how to turn off their media volume but keep their ringer volume on? I'm not inconsiderate on purpose. I just project my own reasoning onto others, not knowing their specific circumstances. They might have a family member without an active phone number that can only call them via Discord. I don't know.
Also, learning how to be a bit more calculating, like waiting 3 seconds before you send any texts while you're desperately lonely, is a good idea. Also, you have to realize people don't want to help desperate and lonely people. Paradoxically, if you're lonely, you need to act like you're not lonely if you want to make new friends. Unless you're a girl, then its fine. But if you're a guy? Hide all your insecurities and hide them well!
"Yeah, I know this life can really beat you down, uh
You wanna scream but you won't make a sound, uh
Got so much weight that you've been holdin'
But won't show any emotion, as a man, that goes unspoken
That we can't cry when life gets hard
Unconditional love for women, children and dogs
We know that we just have to play our parts
And don't nobody give a damn about our broken hearts, yeah
As a man, we gotta pave our way
Our only function is to work and slave
There's no respect for you if you ain't paid
You're disregarded as a human and you can't complain"
Beautiful song. Lots of men struggling right now to be the type of man they know they can be. I'll be fine but it's definitely a struggle.
I just want to get paid and get a modicum of respect from other people in the future.
No one respects a 37-year-old unemployed man who lives with his parents. That's why I used to struggle with self-respect.
But not anymore. Yes, to a certain extent I made my own bed by engaging in codependent relationships instead of career development. I wish someone had put it to me like that: "do you want to center your life around Kali or starting a real career in a few months. Maybe get back with Kali after you get a real job." I needed a mentor. I should have looked for one harder and just kept asking people until someone eventually said yes. I never did ask anyone. Too scared of rejection by a surrogate father figure.
On the other, I did my best for 22 years. Always did. I just needed wisdom but didn't find it till this year. I finally cured my addiction to codependent relationships this year and brought an end to about a dozen other bad habits like (1) binge eating junk food and (2) spending all day watching TV that the stressors of the relationship caused me.
Now all my habits are almost perfect. I just need to make a few more upgrades and my life will be extremely easy. Its time to get 100% organized!
9:58AM Was this a good use of my time? Well, I figured out a bunch of stuff. That's good. But, yeah, let's keep journalling and blogging separate for now on please? If you journal, you can copy-and-paste anything suitable to print into the blog.... and revise it until it's suitable for a reading audience.
10:01AM Fuck, its already 10:01AM. I need to get to the library and start working on shit. I need to get my planner organized. I need to start working on my passive challenges. I need to find more places to study though. Just going to the library all the time is boring. I wish there was a place like the tabletop gaming place to study at during the mornings so there's a chance of meeting new people and adding them on Discord throughout the day. Making new friends is just as important as applying to new jobs, creating a career plan, finding a doctor (asking other people for recommendations is my best bet), since new friends will provide new solutions to problems in my life. A new friend could hook me up with a job or refer me to a competent PCP, a competent cardiologist, and a competent psychotherapist.
10:06AM Okay, I need to get on top of my life planner so I know I'm not wasting time. Let me get a few dollar bills and coins and go to the library if they're open today.
1:59PM Okay, well, I figured out a bunch of stuff but I did not adhere to my life planner. Not being able to go to the library really threw me off my game. I just got from NJ, and it's Thanksgiving, and then stupid Black Friday. I want to get into a routine already and start making solid progress! But whatever, I'll set my goals for the rest of the day and do my best. It's just hard when you're stuck at home... I wonder if the tabeltop gaming place is open today?
Critical Role was the perfect podcast to listen to while productive. If I missed a few lines, it was not a big deal. It was very entertaining, and it was para-social in that I was listening to six voice actors who are close friends play D&D in an audio drama manner together with a dungeon master, also their close friend, who worked 120 hours a week with a paid writer's room to write a story that is so compelling that they've produced two D&D campaigns and both are being adapted into live television shows by Amazon. The first, Amazon's Legends of Vox Machina, is rated above 8/10 on IMDD, has released season 4, has announced season 5, and has received many awards.
I love Critical Role because it represents what artists can do if they are responsible, hardworking, and collaborate together to create something spectacular and new. However, right now I want to pack my supplements that I have to take each night into Ziploc bags so I can have a Ziploc bag of my supplements in one minute every night rather than having to remember to take them all one by one.
However, I cannot listen to CR (Critical Role), since I have lost interest since beginning campaign 2, and I cannot listen to political news either, since my ADHD causes me to stop doing what I need to be doing with my damn hands. Whatever, I'll try "kinda listening" to campaign 3 and see if it's any better. If not, who cares. I'm barely paying attention. Let's pack my supplements and set goals for the day and then let's start making waves in life ASAP!
If I don't start taking major actions soon and take complete control over the direction of my life, then I will suffer profoundly and will likely die in a pathetic fashion. This world is cruel and unforgiving. God is warm and forgiving. But His world, populated by the most corrupted people since the Tower of Babel, is cold, ruthless, and willing to make you suffer profoundly because... they are morons and do not care about anything of significance. The problem I'm trying to solve, peoples' stupidity, is stopping me from fixing how stupid people are. Ugh. The irony. But, obviously that;'s what would happen.
I will not go into details, but the United States healthcare system almost killed me this week. I will not disclose public details since, as much as I'd like to be transparent about everything in my life, because of bad faith actors, I cannot share every detail of my life. That has always been true of any writer, of course. You can bear your soul, just not your social security number, place of birth, date of birth, and a bunch of ohter info people can use to steal your identity. I really need to get identity theft protection since I'm planning to become a public figure.
Regardless, anyway, I'm alive. I am not overly attached to my own life. I know this life is just the end of the beginning, not THE END. If it THE END of my existence then, well, I will never know and my legacy will love on in my children and their children. If I live long enough to have children. God, I pray I have the opportunity to live up to my potential so that I can start a school where students actually pursue their passions and are able to monetize creativity, start their own businesses, start their own video games, start their own podcasts, and so on, while also learning critical thinking skills so they can differentiate between a good argument and an irrational argument and where the relevant evidence contradicts rather than verifies the claim of the argument.
Ugh, I do not understand God's ways. I was just about to become proactive the day I last made a bog post, as the blog posts demonstrate, and it took me a week, 4 planes, about $1,000 altogether, and a lot of suffering to solve the problem. I could have gotten 100% organized and typed-up and gotten feedback on a 5-page career planning document. I could have seen vocational rehabilitative services for my PTSD. I could have accomplished so much. I hate that I lost a week to pain, suffering, and sleepless nights.
But, whatever, it has made me stronger. I realize now that I must never let anything ever get in my way again, and that I need to get into and stay in a state of perfect physical and mental health, get and stay 100% organized, become proactive so I start mitigating risks ahead of time and make myself ready for future opportunities, or otherwise let anything get in the way of me becoming my ideal self and living my ideal life. Nothing will stop me. As long as I do not die, my success is inevitable. I must believe that, if I want to become successful. In this world, where the odds are stacked against you because you do not have a solid emotional support system, you need to be a bit insane about your commitment to turning things around. If it takes me a few years of struggle before I have my ideal life, fine.
But I will most certainly make a ton of progress this week, and by this time next week I'll have accomplished a great deal. So I suppose my first order of business:
(1) Get 100% organized
(2) Print out planner
(3) Print out 5-page career plan, create one-page summary, and get feedback from people.
(4) Start podcast and start making viral videos: contacts authors and produce podcasts, film videos where I interview medical school students about the cure to heart disease and functional medicine, and find a few other active challenges that can lead to jobs.
My career plan must include an ever-evolving networking plan as I become better and better at networking. I need to have lots of websites, blogs, and content for my business card will make networking easier. People will see what I am capable of producing and maintaining. If I started a podcast 5 years ago, I'd have a job right now. Why didn't I get more emotional support? Because our family lacks a "cheerleader." A "cheerleader" is a special type of family member that is always cheering on everyone else to pursue their dreams. I am a cheerleader in life, albeit, neither Brittany nor Amanda ever shared their dreams with me. I wonder why. Perhaps Amanda did when she was 10, for that one podcast interview we did together, but that doesn't count. Did Brittany ever have any dreams? Why did I never ask her? Am I bad brother? Or did I just not know what I was supposed to be doing or how to interact and maintain positive relationships with other human beings? It seems like the latter. I just didn't know how to be a good big brother. I wanted to... I just didn't know how to even enjoy my own existence or to stop the self-loathing.
Anyway, so my sisters never told me their dreams. Is it too late to ask? Nah, you can ask them what their dreams were growing up. Obviously parents typically don't have "dreams" albeit it would be nice if My Mom had a dream that she could articulate that was like, "my dream is that you, Brittany, and Amanda will make good decisions in life, stay away from drugs and alcohol, get respectable jobs, keep your job or change jobs even when it becomes extremely difficult, and find someone like Jennifer (except older and wiser) who will be a balance to your ADHD eccentricities, and then settle down and have children if the woman is competent enough and reliable enough to be the Mother of your children."
But that is far too outspoken of an opinion for my Mother who, for better or worse, is primarily an introvert and I don't think I've ever once heard her bring up her own needs or desires except in passing. Which is neither good nor bad; terrible Moms only talk about their own needs or desires. The standard Mother simply does not talk about her own needs or desires very often. It is partly biological and partly cultural. I suppose Mom learned from Grandmom and back then, being a good matriarchal figure meant be reserved, stoic, strong, and level-headed. Or perhaps it was the ICU experience that made her so stoic? I have asked her this in the past. I really need to interview my Mom for the podcast again one day. But not ask any questions she doesn't feel comfortable with, obviously. Not trying to put her on blast, especially considering that women are attracted to men who have good relationships with their parents due to ancient wisdom in their evolutionary programming. Quite clever. Regardless, I just want to make sure we don't lose that information. I'd like my great-great grandchildren to be able to see videos of me and Grandmom and my Mom, so they know where they came from and can perhaps glean some wisdom from those videos. Or at least some interesting insights into themselves.
Well, regardless, this was stream-of-consciousness journalling. No outline, no structure, no specific theme or message. This just shows where my head is at the date after I learned I will live. I am not reflecting on the fact I almost died, it is irrelevant to me, and... oh yeah, I am trying to figure out how to make sure I am:
(1) 100% motivated
(2) Pick my priorities perfectly
(3) Make better decisions
(4) Never procrastinate
(5) Discover where I am using time inefficiently
(6) Figure out how to become more effective and efficient in every area of life
(7) Make sure I read books instead of watching stuff when I'm tired.... since I am reading books about how to solve the problems plaguing my life right now! The answers are in the books! Not in the anime!
(8) Stay accountable to my Mom and the world. Okay, I'll create a career plan and a plan for the month. I'll type it up. A few pages long. Make sure I have my priorities in order. Make sure my strategies are sound. Then I'll go over my career strategy and my life strategy with my Mom and with anyone else who can provide valuable feedback.
I got what should be anxiety-provoking, bad news about my health today but I remain calm as I have surrendered my illusion of control to Jesus. I will simply continue to improve the quality of my life planning and decision making of higher and higher quality. If this bad news ends in the worst possible case scenario, death, which is very unlikely, then that was God's will. If I suffer, that is God's will. I will bear the suffering with purpose.
Dr. Jordan Peterson would say, "when you experience any tragedy in life, deal with it properly, so that it does not become hell. Because a tragedy is much, much better than hell. So to prevent it from deteriorating into hell, you must be a man. You must find the heaviest possible load you can find and carry it. Thus, I will. To whatever ends, that is God's domain. I only concern myself with my circle of influence. Everything outside is up to God. I will not question him. I will simply accept. I will accept with the most radical form of acceptance: surrendering your illusion of control to God and embracing Christ. ❤️🙏✝️
