However, I soon realized this was so severe that I had to "sleep on it" for my "emotions to reset." And they did. It's very similar to how you cannot operate a new software program until you reset your computer. Now, that anxiety yesterday would have been manageable yesterday, and I would not have lost 8 hours of the day to lying in the dark and listening to music... if I had been taking all my anti-anxiety supplements every night. So I definitely need to order those today. They are a necessity, not a luxury when you've cured your social anxiety disorder but still struggle with general anxiety disorder (GAD) and mild PTSD and thus the occasional pang of anxiety, or the occasionally very bad case of rather painful, crippling anxiety that will not go away until the next day.
However, I am quite a lucky person, honestly. There are tons of people who have no idea how to deal with their anxiety when they experience it. They think something is deeply wrong with them; they're insecure about it. They think terrible things like, "it's my fault I'm this way. I'm broken because I'm a terrible person who doesn't deserve love." Thank God I read A New Guide to Rational Living by Dr. Albert Ellis in my early twenties and spent several years replacing my irrational thoughts like, "no one will ever love me" with rational thoughts like, "People have loved me, including some women, it is just that the woman who loved me, I did not love back, and the woman I loved, I drove them away by not having any sense of agency nor stability in my life." I want to attract a highly virtuous woman: virtuous as in sweet, kind, loving, maternal, strong, reliable, resilient, wise, knowledgeable, agreeable, considerate, thoughtful, emotionally available, and so on. Therefore, I need to become a high-quality virtuous man by becoming strong, assertive, respected, compassionate, loving, powerful, competent, protective, reliable, well-balanced, funny, humorous, sometimes silly, fun, faithful to God, and faithful to her and our future children. (I have been obssesed with cultivating virtues and becoming a man of greater character ever since I read Nicomeachean Ethics by Aristotle in 7th grade. And nope, no one noticed I was gifted and should have been in college beause everyone, myself included, is so incompetent nowadays.) If I do not grow as a man, I will not be able to attract the woman of my dreams when I meet her.
God, I wish I could just meet her now and get all that motivation and inspiration that comes from having a crush/a muse. Well, maybe I will meet such a woman if I get more and more involved with the church and continue networking and breaking into various new social circles for all of my various interests and passions and projects I'm working on. I just want a woman who inspires me to become my best self. A crush would be enough, but if I could fall head over heels for someone, even just privately, then goddamn, I would be so happy and so filled with determination. You can see now why I was stuck in a cycle of codependent relationships. I love being in love since it takes me to new peaks of creativity and inspiration... and it makes me so happy just to have a crush on someone. Ugh. I am not meant to be 36-years-old and single. If I had not been chasing my father's approval for the past 22 years, I would have been successful by now because I would not have wasted my time at South Jersey Home Pros or any other dead end job. I am still angry with God that I was open to Him the entire time, but he did not come for me until this year. I have to come to terms with that. I don't know how.
Most people have no idea why they experience crippling and extremely painful anxiety and worse, it is often combined with clinical depression and they are just stuck in an absolute hell. I got out of hell when I started using REBT therapy on myself and changing my lifestyle habits. Obviously, I still visit hell on occasion, but now I know where the exit is. I cured my social anxiety disorder and can eliminate all of the symptoms of my general anxiety disorder so long as I take my supplements, get adequate sleep, eat healthy, and so on. Oh yes! I fasted last night! Fear makes it very easy to fast. Hahahaha... ha.
NOTE: This is not writing aimed at an audience. I did not use an outline and I did not decide what unique value my article would provide nor consider how to make the writing as compelling as possible. As I said before, I will use this blog to post everything about my self-improvement journey, and I'll create a new blog specifically to be appealing to readers. I will ask people for feedback, keep the posts under 1,000 words, and otherwise work to make the website pleasing to readers. Meanwhile, this blog post is just stream-of-consciousness writing with no outline, so it meanders around, looking to make sense of everything, so it jumps from topic to topic. It really is 6 different blog posts as one article. This highlights a problem of mine: when I do not plan out my writing before I write, it is fine for journalling, but it is useless for anything else. I go on from discussing my PTSD to:
(1) The mental health benefits of fasting and how I will feel much better after 3-4 days of smart fasting.
(2) How to fast without hunger pangs or a decrease in energy and reap all the health benefits. (All Abrahamic faiths like Christianity incorporated fasting into their religion for a reason; fasting does indeed "purify" the mind and body.)
(3) How I was open to finding God the entire time, but I did not find Him, or He did not find me... until I was 36-years-old when I had been waiting for someone to help me get unstuck and let me fulfill my life purpose of alleviating as much unecessary human suffering as much as possible by helping other people the way I wish I had been helped. I just wanted to help other people, and all I got for it was suffering because no one told me that dating people I wanted to help "fix" like a project was stopping me from helping millions of other people through effective methods. My ignorance, and the ignorance of those around me, caused me profound suffering. I have found God, but I must still suffer from my PTSD? God is not a cure-all. He makes it better. But life is still brutal "A.F." sometimes. You still have to be a man and "have faith in God but row your own boat."
(4) PTSD as a bug in your operating system
(5) I need to find support groups for PTSD/anxiety
(6) Gen Z is far off worse than even us millenials are with mental health problems. Not alone but also... that is so fucking depressing that Gen Z is so sick and depressed and lost. I want to help them. I can help them... if God will let me.
(7) I should just focus on having fun today: focus on your active challenges (challenges I chose) and ignore your passive challenges (challenges in my life I did not choose to have) so that you can stop feeling so overwhelmed, cheer up, and get back to feel good like you did before your episode of crippling anxiety yesterday.
Fin.
Anyway, yeah, so I am going to fast for 3-4 days to get the full benefits. Fasting has a ton of amazing health benefits that I feel and love feeling. Check out that hyperlink if you want to learn how to fast without any hunger or any pain. Also, you really should be eating plenty of saturated fat from grassfed butter each week but I will write articles about that later. If you cannot eat a lot of grassfed butter, then at least have corn on the cobb with grassfed butter or seafood with uncooked grassfed butter once a week. Saturated fat does become bad for you if you fry it or otherwise damage it with overheating and thus "oxidization." That is, if you cook saturated fat to a boiling point, you damage the fats, making them toxic rather than in its necessary usable form that is necessary for creating hormones. Without healthy saturated fat, you cannot maintain healthy testosterone levels. This partly explains why men's testosterone levels are 50% less than the average 40 years ago. For specifics, check out the work of Dave Asprey.
So instead of writing 50 books in my life total, I will have to settle for perhaps one dozen books published. Unless the cure for aging is made available within a few decades, which is highly probable and something we should discuss now before the people working on curing aging finally pull it off. I imagine we are about twenty years away from that technology. Perhaps less. Due to the arrival of sentient artificial intelligence that will have the equivalent of a 200 point IQ and the ability to read, write, and engage in research at 1 trillion faster than a human being ever could. Long explanation for another time. That is a whole different article, and a whole different set of questions to address.
PTSD, in the human mind, I think of as a computer bug. We are supposed to remember traumatizing events so that we figure out how to ensure they never happen again and go about doing that. However, unlike our ancestors, we lack basic physical and mental resiliency. They grew up with 150 they knew and loved (their tribe) and had a strong spiritual life and a strong sense of life purpose: ensure the survival of all the people you love and know. We lack the strong mental foundations of our ancestors, and our most certainly less mentally resilient, and thus we are much more susceptible to PTSD. Another reason for why PTSD is so prevalent today whereas it was so rare in the past would also include the fact that modern warfare is simply more brutal, violent, and far more traumatizing than the type of warfare of blades we engaged in for millions of years. We evolved to engage in warfare with spears, not with bombs. Apparently, many cases of PTSD are not caused by psychological trauma but by head trauma; or the psychological trauma is exacerbated by the brain trauma. Well, regardless, I need to look into that more. I have so many things to research, discover more about, have epiphanies about, and write about! Goddamn I am one lucky S.O.B.!
I suppose I should research PTSD, mindfulness, emotional processing, and also think of some good questions to ask about my anxiety...
(1) Can I find a support group to discuss my anxiety with?
(2) What type of support groups exist around Tuscaloosa and Birmingham, AL?
(3) How could I go about ensuring I never experience symptoms of my GAD again?
(4) How can I go about healing from trauma in an effective manner?
(5) Is there anything I can experience spiritually that would help me overcome PTSD? I think spiritual Christian retreats would be nice, simply to go someplace to discuss faith, love, serenity, and how to deepen our relationship with God and learn how to let go of past pain.
(6) Can spiritual experiences be induced? Yes, I believe so.
(7) What are the nature of spiritual experiences?
(8) What is the connection between near death experiences, DMT, and God? Hmm that's more of a Joe Rogan philosophical question that does not have any obvious, clear answer to it and is more fun to think about than anything else. If I wanted to actually find something insightful, I would have to study it far more than the people who have already studied it, of which there are many. Anything Joe Rogan discusses on his podcast, you can be certain a bunch of young men researched it for weeks on the internet. Young men are still drawn to self-education when it is made compelling, interesting, and relevant to their lives.
Oh yeah, that's a major part of my paradigm shift on education. We will focus on teaching students subjects that are relevant to the quality of their lives. We will teach them every subject in a manner where they obtain useful wisdom from engaging in the class and learning the material. We must inspire as many young men as possible to decide to be future leaders in the culture war, and learn how to become extremely well-informed, articulate, and good at planning out events, planning out entrepreneurial endeavors, organizing people, inspiring people, managing logistics, understanding the nature of politics, and so on. Every child, before the end of their freshman year, will have picked at least one, if not three areas of interest for them to study in their self-directed education time. "Self-directed education time" will be about 1/3rd of total school hours; other schools might make it 50/50 self-directed education to planned curriculum. During that time, students can meet with their mentors. For example, a student interested in understanding the current literature regarding how we might cure cancer in the future could be paired up with a local oncologist who would be willing to mentor a high school boy who wants to one day "be instrumental in finding the cure to cancer." That would be a fine life purpose for one of our student's to pursue. They have 4 years to change their mind where it will not cost them tens of thousands of dollars.
Anyway, hmm, yeah, it seems I have lost interest in my own anxiety and now wish to write about education. Well, this is what happens when I write stream-of-consciousness style just to see what I am thinking about and how I am feeling. This is more or less me just checking in with myself this morning to see where I am at mentally. I am totally calm. I used what I learned from A New Guide to Rational Living by Dr. Albert Ellis to emotionally process what caused me crippling anxiety yesterday, and yeah, after I slept, the emotional processing was able to work, and I woke up without any anxiety. Well, yeah, I don't want to lose focus on that. I should really think deeper about my mild PTSD and GAD.
Umm...hmm.... I have to quit marijuana while dealing with PTSD. Fuck. That is so unfair. Well, I suppose my situation seems less ideal than the average millenial, which is an illusion since many people are secretly miserable even if they seem happy, but not worse than the average member of Gen Z. I just need to get a sales job and I will be making a six-figure salary within a couple months. Until then, I just need to get myself whatever job I can get. I can easily get a job with Dollar General. From there, I'll work towards getting one of these merit-based jobs within the government, a marketing internship, and/or a sales job so I can make a decent living.
Well, anyway, this is an example of my stream-of-consciousness journaling. I suppose I'll start calling writing for public consumption "articles" whereas this is just a blog post. I need to start writing articles, and start getting my writing published in local newspapers and such, rather than just promoting my website, my videos, my blog, and my books. If I want my future books to sell, I need to figure out how to get published far more widely. So yeah, I feel good about today. It is 6:04AM and I am ready to start the day. I woke up at 4AM. Fasted. I have so much energy thanks to the fact I did not eat last night! Tomorrow, I'll have even more energy and lower cortisol levels. By the end of the third day, I will feel almost a mild euphoria. Then I go keto correctly with The Bulletproof Diet.
Meh, it was important I work through shit, but that’s nothing anyone would read. God, I need help from experienced writers and people with my compulsion to write. I also need a support group for my anxiety.
This is really 5 or 6 different blog posts. I’ll separate them later for my “public” blog but I will “show my work” and how I started off to the world. And I’ll talk about how I used to write without purpose, direction, or planning and how that really meant I was thinking without purpose, direction, or planning and once I discovered how amazing outlines are (you just stuff them full of ideas and examples) and playing around with outlines, moving things around. Rewriting sentences until they’re perfect. I have a lot to learn about writing and communication.
Takeaways Today
I have PTSD but I cannot get medical marijuana in this state because the politicians are dragging their feet.
Go to rehabilitative services for PTSD
Research whether you should disclose whether or not you have PTSD
If I could just get a sales job with my non-violent felony from 3 years ago (I only have one, the other was dropped to a misdemeanor charge.) I could make a six-figure salary.
I just need to prove I’m a reliable worker first, by working at some shit hole like Dollar General.
I should strive to get a job at Starbucks just for the free college courses; that is invaluable right now.
Take the digital literacy course then the free college course
Find a Dungeons & Dragons game
Have fun today instead of trying to be productive: No passive challenges today, only active challenges.
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