I Felt "Cursed with Bad Luck" For Several Weeks

I had a profound realization of how much I have to be grateful for and how my good luck in many instances has been pretty much equal to my repeated instances of bad luck that prevented me from believing in myself enough to pursue a real career over and over and over.

For a few weeks, I struggled with feeling that I had flipped a coin 100 times and got it wrong 100 times. I just kept thinking of events in my life, where, if one person had been a better person, like the psychiatrist who evaluted me in 7th grade, I could have lived up to my full potential a long, long time ago. I just needed someone or something that would allow me to believe in myself. He diagnosed me correctly with ADHD, but then got too upset by the fact that I questioned the effect of amphetamines on a developing brain (god forbid a child question a doctor) that he must have "forgot" to tell me that I had an IQ of 129 and was reading and writing at a higher level. I suppose he didn't want to give me a reason to think," yeah, I'm probably right about the ritalin thing," because that would just make him a drug dealer. Goddamit... now I want to figure out who that was so I can call him and tell him, "you fucked up my life by not doing your job, because you got insecure about the overprescription of Ritalin debate, and you acted like a fucking child and did not tell me I was gifted and bored in class. You were too obssesed with pushing drugs on me to let me know something that would had saved me from decades of intense suffering."

If my Mother and I learned that I had an IQ of 129 and was reading and writing at college level when I was in 7th grade, I would have attended ACCC at age 13, and by age 14, moved to Pennsylvania to live with my relatives and obtained a PhD by age 18. There was a 10-year-old at Rutgers when I went there, and everyone loved that kid and helped him out. That could have been me. Instead of getting beat up by kids who's parents were on drugs and abused them, I could have been taking graduate level courses at age 16. There are 100 other examples I could think of, where "bad luck" screwed me. I only learned about my IQ and reading and writing level after I graduated high school and they sent me all the documents regarding all my meetings with school psychiatrists and therapists from first grade to 12th grade.

However, I can also think back to 100 times where things could have went terribly wrong, and ruined my entire life, but did not. Thus, I am not "cursed with bad luck," as I had thought for 22 years while I was stuck inside my head, unable to believe in myself and thus unable to make progress towards my goals. Instead, I wasted my time in #codependent relationships but I am now #codependentnomore and have cured my #SaviorComplex. Now, all I require to be happy is my health and and for me to be taking action towards my goals. External circumstnaces that I cannot control, I radically accept them rather than "worrying" about shit I have no control over... to the best of my ability anyway.

Regardless, I do not have to wait until I achieve my goals to be happy; that's stupid as hell and completely unwise. People feel good when they are making progress towards their goals, but they need encouragement. "Hey, you look a lot healthier than the last time I saw you! You look amazing!" Stuff like that can change a person's life forever. That one authentic compliment could give them the strength to carry on and stay healthy.